I am not a sentimental person, but sometimes there are things that even get the best of me. When I run into these situations where I find myself getting emotional about something, it is so foreign to me I almost don’t know what to do about it.
For example, Thursday morning I was laying in my bed minding my own business drinking a coffee and enjoying an hour of peace before I headed to a doctor’s appointment and up pops a picture from 2013 of a status I made about my grandma Leslie sending me a new “sick blanket.” Cue me bawling my eyeballs out because I was relaxing under that exact blanket.
It seems like the reminders this week continue to come because just this past Sunday, Tula Baby Carriers released the first and only official Harry Potter Tula, called “Spellbound.” Seeing it and knowing my love for wearing my daughter around, I immediately needed to have it, but I also knew I would be up for stiff competition and sure enough, I was not able to score. One popped up on the BST page for an absurd amount of money and I cursed, sat on it, cried a little about it (stupid, I know, but you never know what is going to trigger you) and then finally bought it, terrified that I would never get the chance to get my hands on it again.
My grandma died only a few months into me being pregnant with Elle and it was probably the hardest loss I’ve ever had because it was so unexpected. She was expected to leave and beat the cancer she had and she didn’t. The night before she died, I tried going down to Wichita to be with her, and she told me on the phone not to come and that it would all be okay. I know she didn’t want me there because I was pregnant and she was scared the stress would be too much for me.
When I went through all the difficulties in my pregnancy with Elle and there was a period where I honestly was not sure I was going to live, I wished she was there more than anything in the entire world. It is one of the saddest things to me that she never got to meet Elle and she will never meet any of my other children. That’s not something I pictured or was prepared for and it’s not something I will ever be able to get over.
It may seem silly, but Harry Potter is one of the biggest reminders I have of her. Since I was 7 years old, she’d buy me all the books, encourage me to read them and escape, take me to openings and call me to talk about how quickly I read them. It was OUR thing. We had it together and it was the biggest blessing.
Fast forward to now and it seems like this week has been full of sentiment. In my head, having this new baby carrier completes a circle for me, like wrapping my kid in a warm hug from my grandma – something she will never be able to do. It’s bizarre and it’s just a thing and I feel a decent chunk of ridiculous for feeling the way I do about it, but I guess sometimes you just aren’t always the one in control of how you feel or what makes you feel anything.
“I am not worried, Harry,” said Dumbledore, his voice a little stronger despite the freezing water. “I am with you.”